Getting back to my last post...I let my ex go,but apparentley,I hadn't let the homosexuality go.About 6 mnths later,I found myself yet again with another woman-26 years older than I !!! I suppose I was looking for a mother image more than a lover-but because my flesh was still weak for the "touch" of a woman,I welcomed that part of intimacy-even though I knew it was wrong.BUt I couldn't help myself...I was so intrigued by this woman.I remember when we got together...I told her I wouldn't be in 'that life' for long, as I had wanted to pursue I life of sexual purity.What a joke I must be...but it was what I wanted to do before I met her, and it's still what I want to do after her.

Our relationship has also been very rocky as I had so much guilt and condemnation over the lifestyle I had yet again been pursuing.I thought for sure at this point that I was... and am a helpless sinner possibly at this point,on my way to HELL-seeing as though I continue to trip up in this homosexual life... and several other areas in my life.But I continue to hope that one day I will truly be done with this life of sin and finally give a life of servitude, to the God I desire deep down to serve- with a clean conscience! In that relationship not only was there alot of condemnation and guilt ,but there was alot of junk food "medicating"(on both parts,although I was and am abit worse than she)alot of arguing on both parts-though I was the one who created most of them,( I was unhappy and I guess I wanted her to be unhappy with me.)It's sad -but honest.When I was happy,I wanted her to be happy with me,when I wasn't happy I wanted her to know it-as I can't go around "pretending" that I'm happy,when I'm not.I wear my heart on my sleeve .I can't hide my feelings, so I might as well come clean with them.Yes,I was either heaven to be with or hell-I'm one of those women that have no 'middle'-as I'm coming to realize.

I find that I've learned alot about myself in that last relationship that I'm "just' coming  out of!I've learned that I have some real loyal qualities as well as trustworthiness and I'm giving,and communicative,and I have quite a sense of humor.But I've also learned that I have some ugly qualities,I'm controlling,opininunated- almost to a fault, and critical and argumentive.And I can be a jerk sometimes.There ,I think that's enough-and not to mention hard to admit such raw truth.But these things I have learned -I have gotten a bigger picture of myself being with her ,some nice-and ofcoarse some not so nice.

I will tell more of the things I learned in this battle of homosexuality-and some of the things I haven't learned yet!

                Take Care All

Well...as I stated in my previous post-I would get back to my story to all those that care to hear more.

Once I decided I needed to repent,the battle was on!!!In the years to come I found myself 'still' in the life,but now I was not "carefree" about  it, as I was prior to that rattleling gospel truth that I had recieved.back in 2002.I would find myself struggling to get out of a relationship I had been in for the past 6 1\2 years,which by the way, was a very tumultuos relationship.We argued'alot'-over nothing at all, we drank quite abit and went to the 'gay' bars,mostly because my girlfriend at the time was comfortable being around her "own kind " .I didn't mind it much either.But over time, I got tired of the 'scene'...and the place started becoming a meat market.I became embarresed being around my " own " kind.And I actually started feeling out of place,because I wasn't like most gay people their.I had dignity at least! I didn't respect how the gay people acted like sex toys-or eye candy.Just because someone's gay,doesn't mean that they should engage in sexual disorderly conduct in public.I felt that the gay bar that I use to go to,degraded "themselves"...and made all gays around the world,look bad.So over time ...I stopped going thier. But anyhow,after abit of struggle I stopped being with my ex lover".But we still remained in eachother's life...which was mistake #2, because we didn't have a good rapore with eachother...and past issues kept coming up between us.Causing either more arguments ,unressolved issues,or just old feelings for eachother.It just was a bad idea,I knew it ,she knew it...but we were so afraid to let go 'completly' , that we continued to hang on to eachother,making eachother more MISERBALE!Finally I got some distance from her,from the situation....I got my own apartment.We didn't see much of eachother at that point...but as luck would have it, we would meet up again,get together again, (as 'friends' )and than as lovers.Yep I was backslidin' and with the very person I did not want to ever go back to .So like fools we continued to repeat the same ole' failure patterns...getting involved with a sitution that could "never" work.She and I, I and she...homosexuality and we - did not work!

    I have much more to share about my struggle 'In' homosexuality,as well as my struggle coming 'Out' of homosexuality.But again, I encourage others to share with the rest of the world about your struggle and hunger to come out of this lifestyle.You could be helping or saving a life, just by being humble enough or couragious enough to bring your situation from the dark into the light.I will post more of my story at a later date.

          God-Bless to all those who share this desire to be FREE from this stronghold of HOMOSEXUALITY!

               'Sheleigh'

I understand your plight, I'm in the same boat as you...seeing as  we are ex's. It's not easy living this close together and trying to walk the "good" walk,but with God EVERYTHING is 'possible' ! All we can do is try to live right and hopefully we'll remain friends through it all by the grace of God.You've been a big help in my life, and I'd like that to continue  as we go through this journey.You are a loving compassionate friend and I value your friendship immensely.I couldn't ask for a better friend on this earth,you are trusting, honest, compassionate,loving, andGod-fearing.

...I know for me homosexuality has brought alot of pain and confusion- alongside of love;though it is wrong,and pleasure.

When I first found out at the age of 30 that homosexuality was a sin in God's eyes - punishable to hell...I was scared!!! Up until than, I was completely oblivious how offensive this lifestyle was to Him, due enlarge to the fact that I had not had any real knowledge of the Bible -minus the basics ...that Jesus is Lord and Savior,and that God is the Father and Creator of all who believe in Him.Outside to that ...I had no real heavy knowledge of His Word.So , I was completely ignorant as to how I was living and the choices I was making.

   But on that day , the day I finally decided that I needed and wanted to go to Church,the first time I did since I was a child, I recieved what at the time seemed like the most condemning words I have ever heard:"You can go to Hell for being gay". And the pastor said those horrible words to me in the most loving way-which was ironic at the time...but now I understand why-she didn't want to "scare" me with the truth-but 'win' me with the truth.

  Needless to say,that was the day when my life as I knew it completly changed-and thier would be many,many struggles that would accompany me along this journey of coming "out" of homosexuality. When that fear struck me...it also struck a need in me to REPENT because I knew hell was real ,and I knew it was not a place that I'd ever want to go.I will share more of my struggle as we journey along I hope to hear from someone soon as I know you've visited here for a reason.

Hey anyone care to share thier story of what a day in a life of homosexuality is like for them? I'm willing to hear; and share with you-no judgements. I "do" understand...

Welcome to all those that desire to "come-out" of Homosexuality.This group is designed for those that desire freedom from homosexuality. This is not based on any 12-step program as of yet - but it is a group encouraged to share hope and faith to those who want deliverence from the stonghold of gay and lesbian lifestyles; or feelings. To anyone who "desires" to change, they will with a personal faith of their own in the One Creator that can set them free -and the support of others who also strive for the same goal as you.

   So if you are looking for a little bit of hope-or alot ,this group and it's members may be able to help you  with your fight just by listening and understanding where you are coming from,while along the way sharing seeds of faith...by remembering to include God or in our struggle...for without Him,none of us can be free!